Swine Flu

We’ve all heard. This DEADLY virus is on the loose. Lock up your children, make sure you have plenty of bread, water, milk, and especially pop-tarts (they have a long shelf life) because you’re not going ANYWHERE. The United States might as well go ahead and implode now: we have no money, everyone is corrupt, and now the dreaded swine flu is killing anyone that looks at it.

 

beware of wilbur

Right?

I think people need to realize that the normal flu – you know, the one you get almost every year – kills around 500,000 people worldwide every year. So far, swine flu has killed less than 200. But just to be safe, here are some really great tips on how to stay safe and swine flu-free.

1. Wear a complete body shield at all times. If your local shield store is sold out, make one. Get whatever supplies you can find and make one. I suggest tin foil. This will rapidly decrease your chances of catching the deadly virus.

2. Refrain from kissing strangers. I know, I know – this one will be hard. But it’s worth it. If you find this task too impossible to take on, try narrowing down the number of strangers you kiss in a day to just a handful – no more than 5.

3. Stay away from pigs. I know we’re hearing this is being transmitted from human to human, but those pigs are too smart for their own good. And these fuzzy little pink guys are after you. That’s right: YOU.

 

BOO!

4. Make sure you pay attention to everything people on the news tell you. They are never making things sound worse than they are. I repeat – NEVER.

5. Keep a map tracking swine flu up on your computer at all times. It’s best to continuously refresh the screen every 15 seconds or so. That way you’ll know if it’s getting close to you.

6. If someone in your office or workplace even so much as sneezes, they must be immediately banned from that space.  I recommend forcing them into the bathroom, stripping them naked and spraying them off with a bleach filled hose. This must all be done, of course, in your tin foil body shield.

7. And lastly, make sure you bring up swine flu in every conversation that you have. If it hears you talking about it, it won’t come for you. It’s really best to not sleep and talk about swine flu – this way you’ll be guaranteed not to catch it.  If you don’t have anyone to talk to, you can always try talking to yourself about swine flu, or you can call your local swine flu hotline. If you don’t know the number, try googling “swine flu hotline (your city here)” to find the most local number to call.

~ by Jennifer on April 30, 2009.